How to Talk to Girls

Max is getting quite the education this week. As an adolescent intact 11m old Golden retriever with raging hormones, and apparently a belief that of course everyone will think he’s as awesome as he knows he is, he’s learning more appropriate ways to talk to girls (and dogs in general!)

Max the golden retriever tongue out smiling as he leans against my leg

1. Be cool. Let the ladies come to you. Let her know you’d like to chat by occasional glances, a bit of a waggy tail, and sniffing the ground. Don’t stand there staring at her drooling. Or even worse don’t race right up to her! Be cool man, be cool!

2. Keep it short and sweet. When she decides you’re being cool and comes up to you, keep it short and sweet. Couple of sniffs, then take a break. Girls don’t appreciate it when you stay up in their business. Just because she decided to come up and say hi doesn’t mean you now have full access permission! When you keep it short and sweet there is a higher chance the girl will ask you to chat more. And then maybe decide you’re cool enough to play with. Wait for her to ask once more, see rule 1. Be cool!

3. No means no. No matter how much you wish they wanted more, how much you think they just don’t realize how awesome you are and you need to keep at it until they realize they were wrong, you really are the best, no means no. If you don’t respect the first level of no, ie being ignored, you’re being a rude dumbass. The girls will quickly make sure you are fully clear on just how much of a dumbass you’re being. No doesn’t mean give a play bow. No doesn’t mean keep sniffing. No doesn’t mean hump her. No doesn’t mean whine, or drool, or paw at her. No means walk away and go back to rule 1. Be cool!

3 simple rules to have a chance with the ladies. Max says, “so many rules, so many rules!” But he’s starting to grasp following the rules leads to higher chance of the outcome he wants, so maybe there is something to them. Learning to be a gentleman is hard work!

0 thoughts on “How to Talk to Girls

  1. How to greet another dog the Brèagha way:
    1. Approach them, wagging your tail so hard your hips are swinging back and forth and you can barely walk. (This is called the Happy Swagger.)
    2.Once you start getting close to them, switch to crawling on your belly.
    3. Throw yourself on the ground in front of them. Keep the tail thumping.
    4. Once they stop sniffing you and walk away, get up and follow them.
    5. As soon as they turn back towards you, throw yourself on the ground again, tail thumping. Keep groveling any time they come towards you for much longer than necessary.
    6. You may then proceed to run around with them, but if they try to jump on and wrestle with you, be sure to flop down again.
    If out on a walk and an aggressive dog comes charging at you, use the same “throw yourself on the ground belly up” technique. Your human will probably yell and step in front of you or try to drag you towards her because obviously she doesn’t realize that your powers of charm work on everyone.

    1. LOL! If Max tried that method, it would also likely be successful. Zora, Dulce, Rockit and the like approve of groveling. The approach he arrived with “stare at them then rush up as fast as possible right to them, posture, sniff, sniff up their butts some more, drool all over their backs, hump them, tap dance” is not so endearing to any girl he has met at my house thus far.

      1. Sounds like quite a, erm, strong greeting. I can imagine it ruffled some feathers. 😁
        I’ve never met an un neutered male dog that could be around other dogs without constantly trying to hump them. Is that something that can be stopped with training or do you just have to neuter them if you want them to be able to be around other dogs?

        1. I’ve had multiple intact males in my life. None of them acted like rude morons around other dogs, females included. I’ve competed with them, had them around intact and neutered males and females, they all kept their brains about them. They knew how to play with other dogs (without humping), how to focus and work with me around other dogs (on and off leash), how to live with other dogs, etc. so yes, you can absolutely train male intact dogs to act civilized.

  2. what a great photo of Max! Also, these dog-tips might serve well in a college campus class teaching what consent means – it all pretty much applies.

    1. Yup, for sure! Max has made huge progress already. Today he actually earned off leash privileges on our woods walk and followed the talking to others with respect rules. It was great!

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